Overwhelming Responses!

It seems we had quite the response with the new Spring Fashions!

Three! Yes three! Three people responded, thus demonstrating their interest in looking their best this season.

So today I will answer the plethora of questions from my readers:


Do you think it would be okay to wear the shorts with tights and cowboy boots? I want to be fashionable on a budget and I already have the c'boy boots...dying to know,

Slave to Fashion Trends in Oklahoma...


Dear Slave to Fashion Trends in Oklahoma,

This outfit can certainly be adjusted to fit any region in the USA. Cowboy boots are perfect for our southern ladies. Be sure to finish it off with the cowboy hat. And throw in a bandana for nostalgia (since the northern people think you still wear them anyway). In Minnesota I recommend tall insulated snow boots, but the parka just won't do. The sacrifices we make for beauty! Of course in the Dakotas I suggest waders right now, considering the recent flooding, but once the danger is over you should really go back to galoshes. I mean really...waders cover up the tights! And in California (or Florida!) we're in the process of creating a flip-flop-slash-boot. We'll call it the flip boot (or the boot flop!). It will be all the rage...just wait!

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(apparently from Jenni at talking hairdryer)

Hahahahahah! I don't care who you are, that's funny.


Dear Talking Hairdryer person,

Larry! I told you to stay in the truck and stop hijacking peoples blogs!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm just concerned about the poor girl in the swimsuit in the pic with the m c hammer outfit. Do they not let those models go to the bathroom? What a shame!

Dear Concerned Citizen,

Ah yes, I too am deeply troubled by that poor soul in the swimsuit. Bless her heart! I don't think she was too traumatized by having her rear-end posted on the WWW for all to see. However, the Pee-Pee Dance she's doing is just too painful to watch. If you're ever caught in that situation, shuck those heels and RUN! Run, I say! To the nearest bathroom facility. Even if it is (*gasp*) a Port-a-Potty. And too bad she's in a one-piece. More wasted time. But on another note...be sure to check out her shoes. Once again, shoes make a big statement for the outfit. Shouldn't we all wear 6 inch heels to the lake/beach?! She's one smart cookie!

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So there you have it. I hope this answers your questions and when in doubt just listen to that little voice in your head that says "This will look stupid!" and ignore it. Wear it anyway.


Because it's fashion, y'all!

And "they" know fashion!

Spring Trends ~ Must-Have Fashions!

I'm not one to scope out the new season's trends, by any means. But this morning, on a whim, I actually clicked on the MSN's What To Wear This Spring link. Surely I couldn't have been that bored! At first I sat there rolling my eyes at each picture, thinking "yeah, right!" and "why haven't I clicked off this page yet?"

Then as I looked at the other people in the background it hit me. They're mocking us! They're sporting the most hideous combination of clothing and accessories to watch America run out and spend big bucks. Then they're going to sit back and laugh their heads off at how silly we look.

I always wonder if anyone ever stands back to look at those models and says, "Really? That? You've lost your mind! Whatever that designer was drinking, I'll have two."

So in honor of the new spring fashions I'd like to pay tribute to these new trends and the people who love them.

Above we have the pastels. Pastels are fun. But I would like to point out the shoes. For this spring, you must run out and find the bulkiest shoes you can find, especially if they look like casts on your feet with, of course, an air hole for the toes. We wouldn't want you to have sweaty feet. But make sure the heels are longer than your foot, like the girl on the left wearing all black.

Notice, however, the girl in black is scowling at the model in front. She was picked up for soliciting the night before and got out of jail just in time for the main event. The girl in front was the one who tipped the police off so that she could have the runway all to herself. Thought you'd like a little backstage gossip!

Moving along...

This one is the "biblike necklace."

I'll pause so that can sink in.

Biblike necklace. *sigh* Anyway, I'd like to share some tips for creating this look for a fraction of the cost. Go outside. Find whatever you can that is big, round-ish and flat (some ideas would be...a rock, a cow patty, some moss from the bottom of the lake), then fashion some rope to it and hang it around your neck. Your friends will be awed and inspired!

I'll have you know that whoever wrote the caption for this picture on the MSN site knew it was ridiculous because the whole description was trying to strongly convince the reader they really did need this. Really.

Now for the dress. Throw that iron and ironing board out of the window (please check to make sure you won't hit anyone, though...we are not liable for any injuries). Dig around in the bottom of your closet and find some clothes that look like you slept in them have that textured look. Voila! Instant success! (If you're in a real bind, simply don the clothes the night before and then actually sleep in them. Saves time!)

This look is called "Can't Touch This." It's so easy to replicate! You remember the 80's, so just dig deep, deep into the bottom of your closet and find those MC Hammer pants, match them with a little slinky tank top from the 70's and you have instant Y2K awesomeness! If you actually threw out those Hammer pants years ago, what were you thinking?! That's ok...just go to the local used clothing store. I'm sure they haven't sold any either.

(What is that guy doing behind her?! I think he's laughing and is about to fall down.)

Now this one. This one! Stripes and polka dots. And look at the guy on the left. Plaids and prints. Never fear when you just flat ran out of creativity. Simply concede to the opposite of common sense and throw together the outfit that clashes the worst. But be sure to color coordinate. We wouldn't want to look ridiculous now, would we?

The model above looks just fabulous. Just find some animal print material and wrap it around you like a towel. If you're feeling especially frisky, simply add a matching animal print turban.

But the main attraction in this photo is the woman on the left. I'm pretty sure she's not one of the models, but her ensemble screams...well, it just screams. Only a fashion genius would think...striped tights, cut-off denim shorts that bag a little in the rear-end, wading boots, a khaki safari shirt, and an over-the-shoulder purse/bag that hangs down to her knees.

Actually, she was mucking out the stalls and realized she was about to miss the big event so she hosed her boots off and ran as fast as should to see all the anorexic ladies.

Now, I didn't post all the pictures on here, but one included the 80's big earrings and another would be inappropriate because apparently it was quite cold in that room. Ahem!

So there you go. I hope you liked the show and are inspired to run screaming from the insanity use creativity in your own wardrobe.

There's some really great music out there that was written (and performed) by people stoned out of their minds. It worked for them. It can work for clothing fashions too!

And for the sake of credit, I did not take these pictures. Obviously. I wouldn't waste the space on my memory disk. I took these from MSN and I'm pretty sure it said they were all taken by some guy named Mark Leibowitz. Poor disillusioned guy.

Jessica's Recap For The Day

Saturday we all sat around and watched the movie Phenomenon with John Travolta. If you haven't seen it (you should) I don't want to spoil it, but if you have seen it this story will make a little more sense. Or at least the initial connection to the story.

At the end of Phenomenon they are having a birthday party. As soon as it's over Jessica turns to me and says (be sure to read this like a 6 year old is telling a story...her voice would go up on the last word of each phrase)...

They had this birthday party...for a dead guy...and his last name was King, but he wasn't really a king, it was just his last name. And his first name was...John Buford...and he got shot.

It took me a second to realize who she was talking about. At first I thought she was talking about the movie, but when she said "John Buford" I realized she meant "Martin Luther" and I started cracking up.

In case you haven't noticed, she's a fake-it-til-you-make it kind of girl.

What is she talking about?

The other day Rebecca was SO excited:

"Mom! I met this guy by a tree and I didn't have to make him happy and he gave me SO much money!!!!!"

Pause.




Care to guess what in the world she was talking about? Because my first reaction was:

"Oh! Hey, cool!"

But then I realized exactly what she'd said and started laughing my head off!

Ok, not to leave you hanging. My sweet, darling 7-year-old isn't in some kind of twisted, horrible secret life.

She was playing My Sims on the Nintendo DS. And I promise it's wholesome. I've played it myself.

In the game you meet other townspeople and when you talk to them and they are upset you can make them happy by choosing the correct response (i.e. listening, conforting, encouraging, conversation, etc). And if you succeed they give you money...or something...it's been a while since I played.

So...apparently she didnt have to to through all that nonsense and the townsperson gave her money anyway.

Lesson we learned today? Don't take stuff out of context!!! ;o)


By the way, if you have a DS I do recommend My Sims for the kids to play. They dont have to be able to read and they have to solve puzzles and such too. For kids who do read, Animal Crossing: Wild World is another fun one. Even for non-kids, because I'm currently hooked on it! (But I suggest you google the tips and tricks for it to get the most out of it)

Oh Dear Fiskars!

Oh Fiskars,

You are so funny! What you won't do for a good laugh. I'm glad you got a kick out of the letter I sent you about my daughter cutting up house and hair with her Fiskars scissors.

It appears that you laughed yourself silly because among the various goodies you sent were a 24-pack of scissors! Twenty-four! Really?

You must not like me. Was it the letter? Because I really wasn't going to sue you. Or maybe you liked my story so much that you wanted to hear more.

And with 24 pairs of scissors in the house and one 5-year-old crooked banged girl you're looking at a LOT of scissor stories. Not to mention her 2-year-old understudy. Please be sure to add my email address to your safe contacts list to ensure you receive every one.

So by this gesture I take it that you opted against my suggestion to return to the days of the crappy difficult-to-use, hand-cramping, metal scissors. I beg you once more to reconsider.

Sincerely,

Frazzled, Practical Mom

P.S. It appears that after I opened the package I must have fallen over and hit my head because soon I was surrounded by four little mischievous faces and eight little hands gripping scissors in a rainbow of colors. After checking to see if I still had all my hair and socks I realized it must have been a nightmare dream.

If only I had printed out your Learning To Cut worksheet sooner...

J Stories

Normally it's just be called "Jessica Stories" since she's usually the one providing them all. But this time I have a Jake story too.

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Jake likes helping with the laundry. He likes putting clothes in the washer and he likes taking the wet clothes out of the dryer as I'm trying to put them in.

The other day he saw me walking back and forth to the washer with an arm full of dirty clothes, which was his cue to go help. We took turns putting clothes in the washer and as I was putting some more in, he comes walking up with a brand new roll of toilet paper and starts to toss it in as well. (He can just barely reach high enough to toss stuff over the edge.)

Thankfully I was standing right there and gave him a quick lesson on "no-no, that doesn't go in the washer." I started to go get more clothes but had a horrible thought. What if that wasn't the only roll he tried to put in?!

So I hurry to pull out the clothes I'd just added and sure enough, there was another brand new roll of TP underneath them! It was sopping wet. (I thought about taking a picture for the blog, but it looked pretty nasty. That, and just the idea of putting toilet paper on the web just didn't seem right.)

Can you imagine the mess that would have been?! Oh the horror!

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Now for two Jessica stories that at first seemed unrelated, but in the end proved to be very related.

Oh and just so you know...they've all been grounded from TV because of their behaviors lately.



Our conversation in the car after we dropped off Rebecca at school:

Jessica: When do we get to watch cartoons again?
Me: When you start acting better.
Jessica (in her most dramatic end-of-the-world voice): Never EVER?!!!!


About an hour later, sitting at the bar at home:

Jessica: How long is it before I turn 10?
Me: About 5 more years. Why?
Pause
Jessica: I'll start acting better when I'm 10.

Eventful Weekend Ahead

If you like Jessica stories, you're in luck because we seem to be full of them lately.

The other day Stan and I were talking about our upcoming schedule. This weekend is going to be full, complete with a birthday party (not one of ours), a graduation (not one of ours), a changed church schedule (because of the graduation), and...drum roll, please...a date! Yes. A date! Just the mommy and the daddy. No kids. Can you believe it?! It's our anniversary - eleven whole years. Thank you, thankyouverymuch.

And where does Jessica fit into all of that, you ask? Well, as we were trying to get it all sorted out in our heads she pipes up...

"And I'm in a Grape Peeling Contest!"

I guess she felt left out and since we always go to Mackenzie's and Rebecca's school events, she wanted us to come see one of her events.

Why she chose "Grape Peeling Contest" we'll never know. But I'm sure she'd be great at it. I think she's sure she'd be great at it too, even though she made it up.

Have a great weekend!!!

And be sure to practice that grape peeling. Just in case there's a contest.

Ode to Blanket

Oh Blanket, how I love thee

You've been missing from my arms all the day long

I need to feel your softness on my face

The aroma of three-day old drool intoxicates me

You follow me where ever I drag you

How I miss thee

Oh wait. Hold on. I need to pick my toes.

Oh Blanket, how I love thee

You embrace me through the dark hours of the night

I call for you

I call for you

I call for you

Blaaaaaaanket...where aaaaaaaare you?

There you are, oh Blanket, oh Blanket

How I love thee

Dear Fiskars,

I need to file a complaint. Your children's safety blunt-tip scissors are defective. They cut with such ease and precision. They cut things like the elastic off of tennis shoes, fringe off of couch pillows, the tops off of socks and pajamas, holes in blankets, fur off of stuffed animals, and even human hair.


I understand that in this modern world of technology we strive to make things better and more efficient. But I'd like to know what happened to those crappy difficult-to-use, blunt tip, all metal scissors that were available when I was a child. They rarely cut paper and wouldn't even come close to cutting cloth or elastic. The only danger they posed was when they were thrown across the room because of built-up frustration from their lack of cutting ability and from the painful cramping in the thumb and finger area. If those scissors were still available today, it wouldn't be necessary for me to file this complaint.


However, if I were a modern mom I would not stop with a letter. Oh no. I would blame and sue you for making scissors that enabled my 5 year old to cut the items listed above. It would be all your fault and I would make the news and you would settle out of court just to make me go away. My child would turn into a spoiled brat and feel that she was entitled to do anything she pleased and her mother would back her up.


But as it is, I'm a practical mom who knows that scissors don't cut things, people do...namely my 5 year old. Her tear-streaked face and sore bottom are proof of where the fault really lies. (Not to mention, where was her mother when all this cutting was going on anyway?) And in 10 years when she is finally allowed access again to privileges such as television, toys...and scissors, she will fully understand that she is in control of her own actions and not look to blame anyone and everyone else for what she does.


So I kindly ask you to please consider going back to making the crappy difficult-to-use blunt-tip scissors. It would be for the sanity of mothers like me, and for your own protection for when this happens to a modern mom instead of a practical mom.


Sincerely,
Frazzled, Practical Mom




(Note the missing hair from her bangs and how one side of her hair is markedly shorter than the other side. I guess she was going for the "layered" look. Also note the trimmed corners of the couch pillow behind her. Oh and said stuffed animal did not belong to her, but to her older sister...of course. The tennis shoes, socks and pajamas were hers, though. She will NOT be getting new shoes until she out-grows these.)

Update and a Funny

I know you've been propped on the edge of your seat just waiting for another gardening update. So without further delay, here it is.

The seeds have sprouted.

The end.

Ok, so I cant just leave you hanging without a picture.

Lovely photography skillz, I know. All but 6 of the 70 pots have sprouted and some are even growing their "real" leaves (which I didn't know that the first two leaves they sprout are not "real" leaves).

And see those really tall ones? Those are the naughty hollyhocks that gave me so much misery earlier. They must have learned their lesson.

I'll probably have to thin out the lobelia (far right two rows) because the seeds were like grains of sand so I just dumped some in...now they're everywhere! I'm a gardening genius!

So that's it. The very precious few "nice" days that we've had around here didn't go toward gardening stuff. And I just cant bring myself to get out and do it while it's snowing (even though most of the time it doesn't stick).

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Now for the funny...

Last weekend some wonderful friends of ours came to visit from...across the state, where we used to live. We miss them.

Of course the Wii got plenty of exercise. At one point four players were set up to play golf, and Jessica was one of them. She's really bad at it, bless her heart, but she was going to play anyway. As the game loads it tells each players' record best score. Stan let Jessica know that she was +40 (yes, that is 40 OVER par...her personal best) and he said something about her needing to bring up her score. Her reply?

Without hesitation, she said, "And I'm gonna dance while I'm doing it!"

So I guess if you're going to be bad at something, you might as well dance while you're doing it. At least you'll have fun. Unless you're bad at dancing.



Oh...and here's another funny from today...same kid...

The girls ask one of two questions every time we go somewhere...do we get to go in? or...can we stay in the car? Dont ask me why, but they do. Every time.

Anyway, I pull into the Target parking lot and they ask if they can stay in the car. I tell them of course they are going in. They whine that they don't want to go in and Jessica asks me...

"Are you scared to go in by yourself?"

Funny Kids

The other day we were making the "Kindergarten run" as I call it (taking Rebecca to half day K...she rides the bus home). From the back seat I hear Rebecca informing Jessica of the rules on the bus. This is what I hear:

"Jessica, you cant eat, stand up, or have drugs on the bus."

Jessica's face was priceless as she wondered what in the world drugs were that they were as bad as eating and standing up in a moving bus...and did she have any that she might accidentally take on the bus next year.

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The girls were getting dressed one morning and the excruciatingly annoying and never ending quite common saga of the case of "I don't have any socks" episode was playing once again. They have TONS of socks...somewhere. I asked to see Rebecca's socks. One was bright pink. One was dark purple. This particular time it struck me funny (usually it sends fury through my blood) and I unvoluntarily giggled.


At that instant I saw relief in each of their faces as they were anticipating fire coming from my nose. But instead I giggled. So being girls, they giggled too.


Then Jessica shifts to one hip, cocks her head to one side and raises one shoulder and says with a sigh, "Kids will be kids."


Funny girl!

Brave

Last night, about 10 minutes after we put the kids to bed the electricity went out. You'd think it wasnt a big deal considering they were already in bed. But we have a little fan in Jake's room to help with noise, so he protested when it turned off. The girls all share a room and Mackenzie has a lamp on her bed so she can read for a little while, and there's a night light in there for Jessica (otherwise she's been known to cry out in the middle of the night, run over and turn on the light to their room, then go back to sleep). Oh, how dependent we are on electricity!

So when the lamp and night light went out, they weren't happy campers. This morning they were telling us their version of it all. First they asked, "Did you know that the lights went out last night?!" LOL! Um. No! Really? Then they were telling us how Rebecca started to cry. Jessica promptly said, "I didnt cry. I was brave...like a little girl in church." I about fell over!

But you know, I guess for a little girl church is the easiest place to be brave. Ok, not just for a little girl, but big girls like me, too. And big boys.

There's so many times when I feel like I'm a complete failure as a mom and I'm going to totally mess them up forever. (Pause while I go pull the 17 month old out from under the bathroom sink cabinet. Dont call CPS on me though...there's only towels down there. But he's also a potty swisher, so that would be his next stop.) Then there's times when they say something so cute and funny...and true...that I'm so very glad God is filling in the gaps for me.

Oh, and since this is Montana and it's winter and the electricity went out for a good while during the night...we were ALL very thankful that we stayed all roasty and toasty because of this:

Yes, this is from a previous year, but I didnt take a picture of it this past year. Each spring we chop and stack wood...so it looks the same each year.

The River Wild

Ok, I just have to have this little confession here. As it was happening I was swearing that I'd never tell a soul what happened, but here I am posting it on the world wide web. The other day we had this great idea to go down to the river and let the kids and dog play in the water. We get down there and of course other people are there too. I am holding Jake and holding Jessica's hand. Stan had Rebecca's hand and had the dog on a make-shift leash (she's not leash trained, by the way, and was not liking life at the moment).

So we step into the water...it's pretty shallow and we decided to walk out to the sandbar (technically it was a rock bar...all the sand gets washed away). We get going and at that particular place the current is stronger than we anticipated. Halfway there, Jessica looses her footing and so I'm trying to hold Jake in one arm and lift her up to get her footing again with the other arm. She starts freaking out and wont put her feet down. At the same time Stan is trying to get the puppy across and Rebecca (who had decided she could cross without holding Stan's hand) looses her footing and she gets carried away by the river. With Stan's "cat-like reflexes" he quickly gets (throws?) the dog to the little island and he jumps out and grabs Rebecca, who had stopped freaking out and I think was actually liking it...for a split second.

Mackenzie gets across (amazingly) successfully and I'm still dragging Jessica who's feet were now floating down river and all I have ahold of is her hand and I'm thinking that any moment my foot is going to slip too and the three of us will be floating down river together (we dont have swiming suits on either...just our regular clothes). So, I'm yelling at Jessica to put her feet down, she's crying and still freaking out. I holler at Mackenzie to grab Jessica's other hand and between the two of us we got her up there. But not before she looses her shoe. Stan has just gotten Rebecca on dry ground and once again with his "cat-like reflexes" he jumps back out in the river and saves it. The other people who were sitting there watching this whole scene...start clapping.

I was mortified and thoroughly embarrassed and ready to go crawl under a rock. I know we looked like complete idiots out there. But I guess at least we were entertainment for those people. I'm sure they are still laughing about it. Life lesson number 58 - humility. Sorry, no pictures were taken of this event....at least not that I'm aware of.

Wow! Two posts in one day...guess I'm making up for lost time.